Here's one critical piece of advice; honesty
really is the best policy. Don't 'shade' the facts to
support your contentions. You won't get away with it. Your body
language and other nonverbal cues will betray you every time.
You'll always have skeptical minds in your audience to begin
with; lose the trust of just a few and you're toast. If you don't
know, don't guess.
To the extent that you are comfortable, your answers should
be open, direct, and informative. That doesn't mean that you
have to reveal every secret, intimacy, or activity in full detail.
If the question is too personal, simply say so and move on. I
always tell my audiences that no subject is "out of bounds";
they have the freedom to ask any question they wish. Likewise,
I have the option of answering any question with a simple smile.
Be passionate about your subject
matter. Your audience deserves no less. Allow them to see for
themselves the depth of emotion you feel; let it all out. No
holds barred. People don't care how much you know until they
know how much you care.
Use language which builds a picture in their "mind's
eye". I start every presentation with something similar
to this:
 "Imagine, for a moment, that
you grew up having to hide a deep, dark secret. One so terrible
that, if revealed, people will call you a 'pervert', a 'freak',
or an 'abomination'. If you're lucky you'll only be called names;
reveal your secret to the wrong people and you'll get harassed,
beat up, perhaps even murdered. How would you feel if you couldn't
even talk to anyone about it? Every representation society provides
about what you feel inside is negative. If you suppress it until
you are married, you can never tell your spouse for fear of divorce,
losing your job, being legally denied visitation with your children.
You're in for a lifetime of shame and guilt and denial. How would
you deal with it?"
With an opening like that, I guarantee you'll hold their
attention. It's up to you to deliver the rest.
Following are some of my replies to the most common questions.
Define "crossdresser"
- For the most part, a crossdresser is an individual who wears
the clothing normally associated with those of the opposite sex.
Although people of both sexes crossdress, for the purposes of
this discussion, primarily I am speaking about men who feel a
need to wear women's clothing. Often it's done in private, sometimes
beneath their masculine outerwear, and occasionally as the primary
attire. Crossdressers do not always affect a full, feminine presentation;
many are quite happy to combine a full beard and a frilly blouse.
I'll draw other distinctions as our conversation progresses.
Why do people crossdress? -
Darned if I know for sure. It's largely an outer expression of
an inner feeling - the feminine aspect of my personality yearning
to be acknowledged. The most recent science suggests that this
drive is a combination of nature and nurture. As you may know,
all human embryos start off with a female destiny. Then, at a
critical point in early development, the gestating baby is given
a hormone cocktail which directs it either to continue its progression
as female or to reprogram growth to become male. Current thought
implies that perhaps the occasional hormone dose is a little
early, late, under strength, of varied proportions, and so forth,
such as to allow parts of the brain to retain certain attributes
associated with one sex while developing the majority of its
characteristics in congruity with the opposite sex. After the
child is born, unknown environmental conditions complete the
"circuit" and a transgendered personality develops.
Speaking for myself, I don't spend a lot of time worrying about
the "why". I've accepted who I am and prefer to invest
my efforts toward enjoying my gender gift. A paraphrase from
a '60s Joni Mitchell song comes to mind, "I've looked at
life from both sides now..."
Are crossdressers gay? - This
is usually the first question or assumption. That notion is reinforced
by the most visible crossdressers (until now), Drag Queens -
entertainers who are almost always homosexual and present an
overstated parody of the feminine. It may surprise you to learn
the incidence of homosexuality among crossdressers is approximately
the same as in the population at large. An overwhelming majority
of CDs (crossdressers) are heterosexual. Most are, or have been
married, have children, and quite often are in professions which
are thought of as "macho" in character. I know of policemen,
firefighters, Navy SEALs, Marines, Green Berets, Teamsters, rocket
scientists (really), and myriad others who are transgendered.
Speaking for myself, I'm a pilot, military ordnance specialist,
and small arms expert marksman. Many of us believe that we gravitated
toward these professions in large part out of denial or in an
effort to compensate for or repress our feminine expression.
Growing up as a boy and being called "sissy" or "faggot"
tends to steer us toward some interesting career choices by way
of reaction.
Do you dress to attract men?
- Clothing serves purposes other than protection from the elements.
It denotes social standing, advises of occupational status, serves
as decoration, and highlights sexual attractiveness. People seem
to lock onto that last definition and forget the others. While
at some level one's attire can signal sexual attractiveness,
that isn't the only reason to dress nicely. I wear what
I do to please and express myself, to illustrate to others how
I wish them to relate and interact with me, and because men's
clothing is just so...yucky and boring.
Will you get a sex change operation?
- For the overwhelming majority of crossdressers, the answer
is "no". Only about three percent of transgendered
individuals identify so strongly with the opposite sex that surgery
is the only alternative to make them feel whole. They are known
as "transsexuals". Some transsexuals will initially
self-define as a crossdresser, either out of denial or lack of
knowledge however eventually it becomes clear that they are on
a different path - one which only intersects that of crossdressers.
It is my belief that once society no longer stigmatizes gender
expression or opposes people living in the role they know is
right for themselves, even fewer will consider "the operation"
as critical to gaining acceptance, both social and personal.
What's all this "transgender"
stuff? - Although many use the terms interchangeably,
there is a difference between sex and gender and sexual
orientation. Sex is the plumbing. When the doctor spanks the
baby and checks out the dangly bits, he writes either "male"
or "female" on the birth certificate. Gender is in
the brain; a social construct usually closely aligned with sex,
but as we've learned lately, not always. We only have to look
at other cutltures to realize that much of what we think is "normal"
or "natural" about being a man or woman in Western
society is actually conditioned behavior. "Outies"
are socialized in one way, "innies" in another. As
it turns out, surprisingly few people exist at either extreme
of the gender scale, 100% "masculine" or 100% "feminine";
most share attributes of both genders. Those near the middle
of that scale are often noted as "androgynous"; those
whose gender is not fully congruent with their sex are referred
to as "transgendered" (or, sometimes, "pangendered").
Although it's difficult to get accurate figures through surveys,
it's conservatively estimated that between 3% and 5% of men crossdress.
Just ask anyone who works in a hospital emergency room. So look
around, fellas. If you see nine other men whom you're certain
are not crossdressers...
Sexual orientation is manefested in how and with whom one
shares intimacy. Usually, it's "male/masculine/heterosexual"
(anatomical sex/gender/sexual orientation) or "female/feminine/heterosexual".
Life has shown us, however, that "female/feminine/homosexual"
(ie: lesbian) is not uncommon, nor is the "male/masculine/homosexual"
counterpart. It starts getting complicated when we talk about
transgendered individuals, though. Because I am attracted to
females but strongly identify as feminine, I am "male/feminine/heterosexual".
Fascinating, isn't it?
Crossdresser, transsexual, drag queen,
transvestite; what's the difference? - All are technically
crossdressers, but much of the difference is in their motivation
or goals. Transsexual candidates, those on the track for sexual
reassignment surgery who consider themselves as "a woman
in a man's body", must live in the female role for at least
a year as dictated by accepted medical/psychological standards.
That's a requirement designed to weed out those whose fantasies
have overruled their common sense. Better to learn you can't
resocialize as a woman *before* the irreversible nip and tuck.
Drag Queens are most often entertainers, usually gay, and are
always "over the top", almost a parody of the feminine.
Some of the most beautiful women I know are DQs. For the purposes
of this discussion, crossdressers are men who express the feminine
components of their personalities through an external presentation.
Most are quite happy to "graze in both pastures", so
to speak. Crossdressing a few times a week (month - or year -
for some) serves to vent the pressure and brings things back
into balance for them. "Transvestite" is a colder,
more clinical term for "crossdresser", one which carries
more semantic baggage although the colloquialized versions "trannie",
"tranny", or "transie" are currently acceptable
when used within the transgendered community.
Is crossdressing a mental illness?
- Hardly. Some well meaning (but mistaken) psychologists would
paint all crossdressers with the broad brush of "Gender
Dysphoria", however that term is more correctly applied
to those who are having difficulty in adjusting to being
transgendered. The heavy price society extracts from crossdressers
- the pressure for secrecy, denial, and the incessant negative
images from the media (I'll talk about that later) - is often
evidenced by stress, depression, or anxiety which are genuine
causes for concern. Once the crossdresser has a better perspective
about being transgendered, those symptoms usually disappear.
Although crossdressing was regarded as a mental condition in
early psychology texts, modern revisions are slowly removing
that stigma as we learn more about the subject. For example,
crossdressing is no longer an impediment to obtaining a national
security clearance. Remember, at one time, homosexuality was
considered a mental illness, too. People were confined, subjected
to electroshock "cures", lobotomies, aversion therapy,
"deprogramming", and worse in an effort to make them
"normal". Crossdressers haven't been victimized to
that extent, however we're still one of the last minorities it
seems socially permissible to ridicule.
In short, most of the "dysphoria" a few crossdressers
may develop is due, not to the crossdressing itself, but because
of the pressures of social ostracism and disapproval. Left handed
("sinister") people used to suffer a similar outcast
status - until baseball was invented, that is.
A friend of mine wields her Occam's Razor in this manner:
"Our unwritten cultural rules tell us only some
things are OK for both genders. The Women's Movement of the 1960's
saw genetic females break those taboos supporting male privelege
to make their marks as jet pilots, television news anchors, and
in myriad other pursuits previously prohibited for women. What
about genetic males who happen to enjoy stuff heretofore exclusively
'female'? There is no 'illness'."
Crossdressing is really a fetish, isn't
it? - Another generality which comes from overlapping
of psychological sets. There is indeed a condition known as "transvestic
fetishism" - a sexual fetish for which the object of focus
is clothing normally associated with the opposite sex. But there
is also a sexual fetish for rubber wading boots. Is every fisherman
afflicted with a psychiatric disorder? While some fetishists
are crossdressers, most crossdressers are not fetishists. While
some serial rapists are Baptists, most Baptists are not serial
rapists. Get the idea?
 Everything
I've heard about crossdressers is negative. - Gee, I wonder
why. That's the media influence I was talking about earlier.
"Psycho", "Dressed to Kill", "Silence
of the Lambs" and other films such as those have defined
crossdressers as deviant killers and sadists.  If
those weren't bad enough, let's recall the infamous, gender-bending
Dr. Frankenfurter of "The Rocky Horror Picture Show";
there's a pretty picture. Other movies or television series like
"Tootsie", "Bosom Buddies", "Mrs. Doubtfire",
"M*A*S*H" and "Some Like it Hot" have shown
that the only socially approved purpose for crossdressing is
as a desperate, temporary measure to an end - getting a job,
finding an apartment, seeing one's children, seeking a discharge
from the Army, or escaping the mob. Even then, it's played for
a laugh.
We're all familiar with the Drag Queen images, "Priscilla,
Queen of the Desert", "La Cage Au Folles", or
"To Wong Fu, Thanks For Everything, Julie Newmar".
Should you dare venture into an adult book store, you'll find
images of males presenting as women which are never flattering.
All of these abundant stereotypes create less than a positive,
accepting view of the crossdresser. No large release films have
been made about those who crossdress simply to more fully express
themselves. I guess the subject matter would be rather boring.
Why are most crossdressers men?
- They aren't. However most of the women who crossdress do so
under the acceptable umbrella of "fashion" or "comfort".
These days, it's no big deal to see a woman in slacks and a T-shirt.
However our society has still not learned to be as open minded
with a man in a skirt or a ruffled blouse. Those of you who are
old enough will remember the furor when women first started wearing
pant suits. Many were denied admission to theatres, restaurants,
and the workplace because of "inappropriate attire".
Thank goodness that's changed. Now, men are beginning to demand
equal treatment under the law and social custom.
When did you discover this?
- Long before I knew there were two sexes - about 5 years of
age or so. Most crossdressers recall experiencing the same feelings
somewhere between 4 and 9 years old. I have always been more
comfortable in the company of women and have self-identified
with the feminine since my earliest memory. My parents and society
had other ideas, of course. It has only been recently, primarily
due to the explosion of information available on the Internet,
that I have come to realize how many of us share similar histories
and experiences.
Why can't you just stop? - Can
you stop being left handed? Did some of you decide to
have a good sense of direction? Of course not. The "hard
wiring" in the brain which has given me feminine atttributes
is equally as impossible to change. Believe me, all of us have
tried. Do you think we would choose to be scorned, ridiculed,
jeered at, even possibly assaulted? Do you think we prefer
to have kept such an important part of our personalities a deep,
dark secret even from our closest loved ones? Among crossdressers
there is a common "Binge and Purge" cycle. We buy clothing
because we enjoy and relate to these nice things. Then society's
shadows of guilt and shame and personal disgust darken us and
we toss our treasures in the trash, promising ourselves never,
never again to yield to the temptation. Until the next time.
All the while berating ourselves for not being strong enough
to resist. It isn't a pretty picture. Universally, closeted crossdressers
(those who are in deep denial to themselves and others) share
low self esteem.
You can't fool me; you crossdress to
get attention. - A frequent criticism of those who dare
to be different from the crowd is that they "do it for the
attention", as if getting attention were a bad thing, making
self expression illegitimate. You might ask yourself why those
who fear the attention of their peers appear to resent others
who are not so afflicted? To lead a symphony you must occasionally
turn your back on the crowd.
So you're an activist for special transgender
"rights"? - As far as demanding our rights to
freedom, we don't have to demand anything. That freedom has always
been there for us to exercise. The greatest limits we face have
been in our own minds. Recently national attention has been brought
to a number of cases in which long term employees with excellent
work records have been summarily dismissed because it was learned
that they crossdress during their non-working hours. This is
totally wrong. I would like to believe that outreach such as
this will change enough minds to make divisive legislation unnecessary.
Does your family know? - They
do now. My wife of 35 years has known I crossdress from the first
year of our marriage, although neither of us had a clue what
it was really all about for a good long time. Out of a desire
to project the image of a "good parent" (and a lot
of that guilt and shame I mentioned) I kept it from the kids.
Once they were grown and out of the house, I allowed myself much
more freedom of expression. Then my 21 year old daughter needed
to move back home. So we sat her down and told her the works.
To her credit, she didn't bat an eye and is far more accepting
than I might have hoped. When I came out to my son, now 28 and
9 years into a Naval career, he shrugged and said with a wry
smile, "I'm going out for a hamburger. Want to come along...toots?"
If I have one regret, it's that I didn't tell the kids when they
were young. I've come to believe that if we, as parents, don't
make a big deal out of it, neither will the children.
Has crossdressing affected your marriage
or relationship? - We would have had an easier time of
it were I not transgendered. When I first addressed the reality
and "came out" to my wife, I - like many others - went
a little overboard. Sort of like a kid in a candy store. Or a
teenage girl at the makeup counter, to be more precise. In fact,
many emerging crossdressers go through the same sort of prepubescent
behavior; experimenting with hair, makeup, suggestive attire,
etc. The clothing, actually the money I spent on clothing (the
average 'out' CD invests about $3,000 in wardrobe), was becoming
an issue. My "stuff" was a lot nicer than hers and,
the two of us being different sizes, she couldn't borrow any
of it. Now that I've given myself permission to dress nicely,
she's done the same for herself and we both have higher quality
wardrobes.
One day my wife referred to me not as her husband but as
her "roommate"! Yikes. It was her way of telling me
she was willing to accept me in all my modes of display, but
that she had married a husband and wanted some "man time"
every now and then. So, as in all good relationships, we found
a balance. She's still my favorite fashion consultant and is
always the "final check" before I head out the door.
Not all couples are so fortunate. Some wives can't deal with
it at all, packing up the kids and heading home to the parents.
Others attempt to force their husbands to stop - but eventually
it comes back, regardless of promises or the best of intentions,
and the troubles begin anew. A few spouses tell their crossdressing
husbands that the divorce lawyer's number is set on the telephone
speed-dial and use the situation as a basis for extortion. Some
women say, "Just don't do it anywhere but in the bedroom"
while a few more might demand the opposite, "Do what you
wish when you go out with your friends, just don't bring it home."
It can get very complicated. Sociologists have shown us that
while men define themselves by what they do, women often seek
personal definition through their relationships. Following a
husband's revelation of crossdressing, a wife may ask of herself,
"If I'm not a man's spouse, what does that make me?"
One advantage to being transgendered is that I've become
a better listener, more empathic, and less inclined to lose my
temper when angry. I've learned to acknowledge my feelings and
have lost much of my testosterone driven urge to be competitive.
I'm a nicer person now.
Where do you go when crossdressed?
- Well, there's Dillard's, Nordstrom's, Neiman-Marcus, Saks,
Macy's... I also have stood in line at the grocery store, the
bank, and the post office; I've taken the car to Jiffy Lube;
gone to the movies; and have flown to distant cities. I have
walked, in a slinky ball gown, across Times Square, ridden the
Market Street Cable Car in a sweater and jeans, and have dined
in some of the nicer restaurants in cities across the country.
In every one of these venues I have always been treated like
a lady. The only places I don't go are establishments with motorcycles
out front, "gentlemen's clubs", places with lots of
sports memorabilia on display, or bars named after the noises
owls make.
The more timid crossdressers often limit themselves to a
midnight drive around the city. Their first baby steps out of
the closet might be a trip to the ATM machine or a MacDonald's
drive-through. The gay community is generally quite tolerant
of crossdressers (although often as misinformed as the general
public), so many CDs will seek safe haven in "drag bars",
nightclubs or lounges which feature shows by Drag Queens.
In some cities, "Transformation" services are popping
up, offering complete makeovers from head to toe - often for
a substantial fee - and do a brisk business with emerging CDs.
The client is given the opportunity to dress fully en femme,
perhaps for the first time, and is escorted to "CD friendly"
stores or restaurants. Sadly, many of these services are merely
capitalizing on the CD's lack of self-acceptance and charge inflated
prices or offer products of inferior quality.
There are organizations such as Tri-Ess (a national support
group for heterosexual crossdressers) which offer additional
secure opportunities for these folks to gather and socialize.
Once they discover that they are not alone, that there are thousands
of otherwise "normal" people who crossdress, many become
much more self-accepting. They loosen up and begin to explore
their gender gifts and develop more integrated personalities.
These organizations also offer support for wives or "significant
others", too. The idea is to help everyone learn that crossdressing
is an expression of inner gender, not some sexual perversion.
Most Tri-Ess Chapters have monthly programs featuring topics
of interest to their members. Presenters may be image consultants,
police community outreach officers, gourmet chefs, cosmetics
experts, sociologists, community activists, etc. Tri-Ess also
has an annual conference, the "Holiday En Femme" which
is a weekend getaway at major hotels and conference centers during
which members may - as the title implies - remain crossdressed
the entire weekend. There are even crossdressing ocean cruises
available!
Why does Tri-Ess only address the needs
of "straight" CDs - isn't that discriminatory?
- Defining a focus does not imply a negative attitude toward
any group that may lie outside that self-definition. It is the
nature of human beings to gather together into groups based on
common identity and interests. Each group is free to define its
own mission and purpose. Tri-Ess has chosen to focus its support
programs on a relatively homogeneous group with common interests
- heterosexual crossdressers and their spouses, partners, and
families.
The heterosexual crossdresser has distinct needs which cannot
be addressed using the same solutions that apply for other transgendered
people or gays. Most crossdressers are married; a wife's first
question, based on social stereotypes with which she likely was
raised, is whether she will lose her husband to a gay lover or
sexual reassignment. They are concerned for their husbands and
their marriages, and fear the impact crossdressing might have
on them. Tri-Ess provides a warm, nurturing environment in which
these couples can sort out their feelings, educate themselves
about crossdressing, and reach a mutual accommodation.
It is easier to convince people to join a support group when
they are comfortable with its mission. Once they accept themselves,
they are able to expand their horizons and relate to other elements
of the GLBT community. In Phoenix AZ, Houston TX, Chicago IL,
and many other places, the Tri-Ess chapter works hand-in-hand
with the gay and lesbian community, realizing that each has a
part to play in addressing common goals. But it all works because
everyone has a group that meets their particular needs. There
is unity here, not division; cooperation, not discrimination.
Do you dress this way all the time,
then? - Nope. Just as my gender is not 100% masculine,
neither is it 100% feminine. Thus, I don't really feel the need
to present one way or the other all the time. Because I work
out of a home office - I'm a professional speaker/trainer - you
can usually find me around the house in an androgynous sweatsuit.
Indeed, there are times when it is to my advantage to
be present as one gender or the other - for example when I take
my car in for repair or when I dispute a transaction at the bank.
That's when you'll see me in my Armani "power" suit,
Brioni necktie, and Bally wingtips. I'm not above using a particular
"uniform" favorably to influence others in their interactions
with me. I get much better service in the department store ladies'
section or at the nail salon when en femme.
What's with the female name?
- Many of the crossdressing support groups understand that new
members are very apprehensive and often prefer anonymity - at
least for a while - so the use of a femme pseudonym is encouraged.
Also, since many CDs first start emerging via the Internet, it's
a good idea to use a nom de plume. Besides, it's pretty hard
to self-identify as feminine when referring to oneself as "Harry"
or "Phillip". There is an annoying trend among crossdressers
to refer to themselves in the third person, or to speak of their
feminine "side" or "personna", such as "When
I'm Sally, I often prefer salads over heavy meals; she's more
focused on nutrition than I am." I believe that it's not
productive to use language which encourages others to infer the
multiple personality paradigm. I am a person who is exploring
additional facets of my sole personality, not two people in one
body. As time passes, these various, formerly suppressed attributes
become more fully integrated - the "guy" and "gal"
are merging, making me a much more "whole" person.
How do you supplement your bust line?
- Some T-girls use water balloons (a dangerous practice if you
occasionally wear brooches or scarf pins) while others use stockings
stuffed with rice or birdseed (the warm, humid environment may
cause the latter to germinate, however). A common practice is
to position the knot in the balloon or stocking facing forward
to elicit comments like, "Is it too cold in here?"
Those on a budget may use the foam rubber "falsies"
from a Frederick's of Hollywood catalog (Have you noticed how
many shoes they offer in sizes over 11? Ever wonder why?). Crossdressers
with deeper purses may wear the same expensive, prosthetic external
silicone breast forms designed for post-mastectomy patients.
They can be selected according to size, they jiggle properly,
and they warm up to body temperature after a bit. Some are even
attachable, using surgical adhesive, to provide a "braless"
look under certain fashions.
There's nothing like a little décolletage to deactivate
someone's "gender alarm". A fascinating technique,
called "taping" is employed to produce faux cleavage
for those fashions with which it might be required. It's time
consuming and potentially painful (blisters from adhesive tape
pulled too tight) so I seldom go to the trouble these days. A
niche market industry for crossdressers has blossomed, producing
figure enhancing underwear, cleavage for the bosom and additional
roundness for hips and buns. We can't narrow our masculine shoulders
so we widen our bottoms a bit to get that nice 10:7 hip:waist
ratio.
What do you do with "it"?
- A firm panty girdle usually hides any unsightly bulges. For
those who prefer to wear skintight shorts, leotards, etc., there
is a procedure known as "tucking" which pretty much
mimics the contour of female anatomy. My fashion preference is
fairly modest so I've never felt the need to expend the effort.
Besides, there have been some reports of unpleasant medical side
effects due to prolonged tucking.
Do you take hormones? - Why?
Hormones are not necessary for me. I'm a crossdresser, not a
transsexual. There are some individuals who prefer to live as
full-time women and, for one reason or another, eschew surgery
but still desire the smoother skin and relocated soft tissue
which occurs under a hormone regimen. One of the most notable
is Virginia Prince - one of the founders of Tri-Ess, a national
sorority for crossdressers - who refers to herself as a "transgenderist",
I believe. Others use the term "non-op" (no operation)
transsexuals. While there is a growing underground market in
synthetic or extracted hormones (as well as "herbal"
hormones), self medicating is a bad idea. I always suggest to
my transsexual-tracked sisters that they consult with an endocrinologist
at least, in order to minimize life-threatening side effects.
Who does your makeup? - Three
experts; Estee Lauder, MAC, and me. I often wonder why people
assume that doing makeup is difficult for men. Most of Hollywood's
leading makeup artists have been men - Bud Westmore, Ben Nye,
and Max Factor are the first names to jump into mind. So it's
not as if the presence of a Y chromosome is somehow disabling.
Having a masculine face does present its share of problems, however
- a wider nose, jaw, and forehead; that simian overhanging uni-brow;
a greater distance from nose to upper lip, larger pores, beard,
etc. I use specific makeup shading techniques, called "contouring",
which help provide a more feminine aesthetic. My beard is light,
sparse, and slow growing - I'm one of the lucky few. Those who
have the swarthy, blue-black beard shadow must go to considerable
lengths to cover it. The well-monied among us often undergo laser
or electrolysis treatments to remove facial hair.
Do you shave your legs? - Nope.
I epilate. An epilator is an electric device which would have
been at home in the basement interrogation rooms of the infamous
Lubyanka Prison. It performs the same job as tweezing the hair
only it accomplishes the task wholesale, yanking out dozens at
a time as you run it over your legs. After the first session,
you get used to the discomfort - sort of. As opposed to shaving
- which leaves sharp stubble to emerge as the hair grows, or
chemical depilatories which not only smell to high heaven but
also irritate skin - the epilation process is a blessing. Think
of it as mechanical waxing. When the hairs regrow, they are tiny
tendrils as opposed to full, thick hairs; some follicles just
seem to give up after a few multipluckings and never sprout hair
again. Armpits and bikini area still get the razor and foam treatment,
though - too sensitive.
Some really hirsute CDs also shave their arms and chests,
especially if their natural hair color is dark. They may also
bleach their arm hair as it regrows so as not to draw undue attention.
 Which
bathroom do you use? - The one which offers the least
physical hazard. Think about it - in one you get screamed at,
in the other you get beat up. Which would you choose?
Generally, I enter the restroom which has a picture on the door
of what I'm wearing at the time. I remain quite aware that women
consider the restroom as "sacred space", a refuge from
a world they perceive to be inhabited by predatory males. Although
it should be obvious that a man bent on violence isn't likely
to emulate his victims, some women will still respond emotionally
to a man in the women's restroom, even if he is attired in Dana
Buchman or Escada. So I go in quickly and quietly, enter a stall,
close the door, and take care of business (seated, of course).
When ready to leave I quickly wash my hands and vamoose. No loitering
to primp, talk, or gander.
You'll be interested to learn that in all but a few, rare
places, public (ie: local, city, state, national government)
restroom use is not a matter of law but of social convention.
Still, a transphobic cop can always make a charge of "disturbing
the peace" or "public indecency" (both likely
to be thrown out of court, but who wants the hassle?). So it
behooves us to behave ourselves and not create a scene. Private
restroom use (in stores, malls, restaurants, etc.) is subject
to other considerations - if the property owner or tenant asks
you restrict your restroom use to one or the other you must comply
or face the prospect of being charged with trespass. But only
after you are so informed and fail to comply.
Here's another reality: many establishments offer the same
capacity facilities for both men and women, but for understandable
reasons women take more time and their lines are longer. There
may be a certain amount of well-justified resentment among the
women if a guy in a dress insists on extending their waiting
time. In certain situations, women have been known to toss social
custom to the winds and walk through the other door to answer
their call of nature, so it wouldn't be the end of the world
for a man en femme to (horrors!) enter the men's room. Basically,
we try to use situational judgement and common sense.
OK, what if you are stopped by the
police? - Understand this; cops deal with the worst sort
of human detritus on a daily basis and therefore tend to infer
the lowest common denominator. An unenlightened officer's first
reaction may be that we are in a "disguise" for some
reason. If a crossdresser is wearing provocative attire, the
image of a "transvestite prostitute" may come into
his mind. So it's important to project as relaxed an attitude
as possible. Remember, it is not against the law to dress as
we wish. Just supply your valid I.D. (yes officer, I'm wearing
my hair differently) and don't worry. Cops are the good guys.
For a police officer, every traffic stop can be a potential
life and death situation. So put them at ease by doing nothing
to activate the reflexive "danger" response. Interior
light on, ignition off, and hands clearly visible on the steering
wheel. Once he (or she) is assured that this is a simple citizen
encounter, you'll likely have no problems. Cops have greater
concerns than guys in dresses. Due to the potential of litigation
these days, the officer may call for backup, just to have a witness
that no harassment is occurring. In certain enforcement areas,
during particular nighttime hours, it's standard operating procedure
to have extra units participate. Some CDs have errantly interpreted
this as "calling the squad over for a laugh". Heck,
call the entire precinct for all I care; I'm an extrovert and
don't mind the attention at all. I'll even use the event for
a little outreach.
By the way, if you *are* arrested for some offense, you have
the right to request segregated custody for your safety. In Arizona,
when the dreaded pat-down is performed, you can insist it be
done by an officer of the gender you are presenting. In Phoenix,
we have a pretty good relationship with the police department;
their public affairs officers speak to our groups and in return,
representatives of the transgendered community work with the
department through citizen panels.
Are you trying to pass as a female?
"Passing" is a big deal in the crossdressing community
and it shouldn't be. Many CDs sustain a fantasy about passing,
I suspect it's because they imagine they won't be noticed and
thereby held accountable for their actions. The makeup becomes
a mask, providing anonymity. So they wear short skirts, fishnet
hose, and 6" spike heels at the mall! Go figure. Those who
have a brain in their heads will dress with a certain degree
of age-appropriate style and panache, always looking nice; so
even if they are "clocked" others will respect them
for maintaining an aura of decorum. I want to project as nice
an image as I can, so I go the extra mile with hair, makeup,
figure enhancements, etc. Many people still see me as a man in
a dress, but at least they see a stylish, fashionable man in
a dress. In reality, most folks are just too self-absorbed in
their own worlds to notice or care much at all about the people
around them.
As far as I'm concerned, it's not passing I'm after - it's
acceptance or, at least, tolerance. That puts the onus on others;
if I get clocked and the observers still treat me with respect,
they pass!
Has anyone "come on" to you;
how do you react? - Unless they are clueless, myopic,
or drunk, in my case none believe they are propositioning a genetic
female. I may 'pass' from a distance or in a dimly lighted room,
but up close I'm definitely a man in a dress. Assuming the offer
is sincere, I accept it as flattering and say so, but also inform
that I am 32 years happily married and that I respect my wedding
vows.
There is a category of men we have come to know as "Tranny
Chasers":
Some want a homosexual encounter with plausible deniability.
Some are looking for freak-sex.
Some are just about horny enough to try it with a porcupine.
Some are looking for casual oral sex.
Some are lonely, don't want sex at all, and think CDs are lonely
too.
Some are into dom/sub stuff and think crossdressing is about
submission.
Some are crossdressers themselves and think sex is a way of making
friends.
Some - very few- have a genuine romantic attraction to trannies.
Doesn't the Bible say crossdressing
is a sin? - According to Old Testament scripture, it's
an "abomination", (somewhere between a "sin"
and a "transgression"). However, if one is not a Jew
the text doesn't apply - despite the efforts of the more zealous
proselytizers who insist the rest of humanity conform to their
beliefs. Students of the Bible who take the time (through cross-reference
and research) to read and understand the context of those passages
will realize that they refer to the garments worn by pagan priests
and priestesses during certain religious rites. The classic reference
is Deuteronomy 22:5, "A woman shall not wear man's clothing,
nor shall a man put on a woman's clothing; for whoever does these
things is an abomination to the LORD your God." However,
farther along in the chapter are such delightful tidbits as:
22:11, "You shall not wear a material mixed of wool and
linen together" and 22:12, "You shall make yourself
tassels on the four corners of your garment with which you cover
yourself." Not to mention the classic in 22:21 in which
a bride found not to be a virgin shall be stoned to death. Then
there's that pesky reference in 22:30 to a "father's skirt"?
So until those who are condemning crossdressing in the name of
God begin wearing four tassels and single fiber garments, you
can assume that they are simply using the Bible as a justification
for their raw prejudice and bigotry.
If someone hits you with Deut. 22:5 in a class, simply point
to the nearest woman wearing trousers and ask, "Is she an
abomination?" "But those are women's jeans!" comes
the reply. Interesting. Then it's permissible for a woman to
wear pants if they're women's pants? Then, by analogous
logic, God is OK with me wearing skirts and dresses which are
tailored especially for me, a man?
The difference between a shirt and a blouse (other than dry-cleaning
charges - a sore point with many women) is that the latter buttons
right-over-left and might be a more colorful fabric. Is God so
petty He would deny me entrance to heaven over button placement
and fabric color?
In fact, you'll never convince the fervent hypocrite no matter
how logical your retort, so I'd advise simply saying, "If
my choice of clothing is indeed an abomination then I'll have
some explaining to do in the hereafter. Until then, I'll assume
as a practicing Christian you'll continue to love me as your
neighbor and leave the judging to God?"
Other people may display overt hostility as well. You can
usually spot them by their body language; crossed arms and legs,
scowls, and hunched down in their seats. Smile at them a lot,
because they're hurting on the inside and need all the positive
'vibes' they can get. Usually these are the folks who are locked
into the binary gender concept (you must be a male/man or a female/woman,
period!) and still insist on linking sex, gender, and sexual
orientation. Some of them may even be transgendered persons in
deep denial. Once most of them realize you're none of the awful
things they imagined, they'll loosen up. However some will never
open their minds and will remain hostile to the end. Simply know
that there will always be people who will never accept you; then
get on with your life. It's too short to waste a moment of it
on intemperate and pig-headed individuals.
In the rare instance when you have a group of these folks
who are sitting together and being disruptive (whispering, chatting
among themselves), the best thing you can do is to lower your
voice or stop speaking entirely while looking at the group with
a patient smile. They'll soon get the idea. If they insist on
being a nuisance, in the absence of a teacher or professor you
can say, "Since it's obvious you have little interest in
the subject, I have your instructor's permission to permit you
to leave the class. Just write down your names on this notepad
so the school will know which students opted out."
******
I'll teach you how to leverage one presentation into multiple
talks on the following page. Click here.
These pages will be edited and augmented from time to time
as new information becomes available. Also, samples of contact
letters and proposals to universities and colleges will be added
when time permits.
******
Recommended reading:
http://www.geocities.com/FashionAvenue/1258/
Shirley Ann Sometimes' pages on communicating with our wives,
sweethearts, and significant others
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