Educating the Supposedly Educated
As published at TGLife.com by Lacey Leigh
October 23, 2005When TGs suggest that they have decided to seek counseling, I always offer one tidbit of advice:
Choose a non-transgendered professional who understands gender as we have come to know it.
Yes, Non-TG. Because we want someone who is detached from, not emotionally connected to, the subject at hand. While we might develop a better initial rapport with someone who has shared similar adversity, it is no more necessary than demanding only heart surgeons who have had triple bypass operations themselves.
Thus, the risk of counsel that might be colored by politics or agendas, whether unconscious or overt, is never an issue.
That your psychologist or mediator must have an modern comprehension of gender is fairly obvious - because otherwise the initial session(s) will be spent bringing the counselor up to speed, on your dime. And even then, that person may not be able fully to grasp the concepts right away.
Recently, I encountered the one of the latter.
I was at the VA hospital for a follow-up on the efficacy of my depression meds. Like a lot of old farts, I've been there, seen the bear, and wrestled it to a draw. To avoid falling into the bear's cave again, I've been on the minimum dose of an entry level SSRI med for a couple of years. All's well. But I'm still glad they care enough to follow up.
This time, rather than seeing a general nurse practitioner, I got shuffled into a real psychiatrist's office. I was looking forward to relaxing on 'the couch' but was disappointed to find only G.I. office chairs. So much for that stereotype.
A tight-lipped, humorless psych nurse (think Nurse Rached from "One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest" and you won't be far off the mark) did the requisite pre-session interview, making occasional entries on her desktop computer as I replied to her inquiries. My guess at the time was that my androgynous appearance (shoulder length 'salon blonde' hair in a femme style, medium length square-tip manicured nails, and a fuschia rib-knit turtleneck sweater) was a style seldom embraced by other Vietnam veterans she was accustomed to seeing.
The shrink welcomed me to his inner sanctum with a smile and a handshake. He looked rather young, but at my age they all do. Dr. Best (I promised not to utter any puns based on his name - a wise move, I'm guessing) came across as a super nice guy, very professional. He pulls up my record on his computer, reads a moment, and then he says, "So tell me about your Gender Identity Disorder."
WHAT? Those who know me well or have read my books might imagine that my jaw just about rebounded from the floor.
So I replied, "I suspect your psych nurse may have assumed, either from my appearance or the fact that I don't conceal that I am a transgendered individual, that it's somehow a problem for me. Likely she just grabbed the 'Diagnostic Statistical Manual, edition IV' and entered in my record the first code that had the word 'gender' in it. How about purging that crap, Doc? There is no excuse for that entry being there. I am not disordered!"
Dr: (Assuming 'denial') "So you were born male?"
Me: "Yes, and I plan to remain so. I've grown rather fond of Bert, Ernie, and Big Bird."
Dr: "And your partner is..."
Me: "My wife and I have been married 36 years and we are headed for 75. She has her own reasons for preferring my standard issue plumbing."
Dr: "I don't see a prescription for hormones in your record..."
Me: "You never will. Doc, do you understand the difference between transgender and transsexual?"
Dr: (Blank look) (Reaches for a convenient copy of DSM-IV)
Me: "Let me help, Doc. Outreach is what I do - helping folks get their heads wrapped around transgender. I'm a regular speaker at transgender conferences, I'm an author of two books on self acceptance as a crossdresser, I moderate an internet discussion group that focuses on success, not dysfunction..."
Dr: (Interrupting) "At what age did you discover your sexuality was different..."
Me: (Audible sigh)
Thus I began a 20 minute dialog (well, after about two minutes it became a soliloquy) with the same 'talking points' I've lectured, workshopped, and keynoted about at TG conventions and on internet soapboxes for ages.
As I progressed, I could see the visible 'body language' changes in his attitude: he was in the presence of someone who actually knew what he was talking about! It helped that I tossed in a few of my boilerplate platform laugh lines; he seemed amazed that I could have a sense of humor about the subject!
As well, I liberally salted the monologue with palliatives to his craft such as the Jungian 'Animae-Animus' theory and references to 'Sigmund Fraud'.
It wasn't long before I had successfully challenged and refuted every one of his "how abouts" and "yes buts".
Me: "...and that, Doc, is why an entry of G.I.D. does not belong in my record. Perhaps an entry of 'Gender Identity Euphoria' might be more appropriate, because I have come to understand that my transgender is a gift - one most men in our culture are never comfortable accepting or opening. It has helped me become more cheerful, empathic, intuitive - and in the end, transcendent and fully integrated..."
Dr: (Cocks head to one side and lifts an eyebrow. Obviously he appreciated my reference to Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs.)
Me: "...to the point that my next book is subtitled 'How Looking Like a Woman Has Made Me a Better Man'."
Dr: (Shrugs, turns to keyboard, highlights a whole bunch of recently entered text in my medical record, and hits Delete.)
Me: "If you would like to have a self-actualized transgendered individual provide some perspective on this for your colleagues, please consider me a resource."
Dr: "Do you have a card?"
Folks, it can be done. All it takes is an open mind, flushing away all the cultural bias and misinformation that would define and minimize us, and then standing up on our hind legs and declaring, "It stops here and now."
Transgender empowerment begins with a simple, core premise. Every concern we as transgendered individuals face has but a single origin: culture.
It is cultural ignorance that insists something is out of order and needs fixing.
It is cultural attitudes that, from our earliest awareness, inculcate the concept that boys shouldn't have 'feminine' attributes - or that when they do they are homosexual or perverted.
It is our early, unquestioning absorption of those cultural biases that demand we reconcile this supposed 'dysfunction' by modifying the exterior to conform with the socially programmed expectation.
I will no longer put up with being regarded as a broken, flawed, or incomplete. Period. I am simultaneously a man, husband, father, citizen, patriot, pilot, programmer, platform professional, and - somewhere down the list - transgendered.
Transgender is an attribute, not an identity!
Reunion
Encouragement by Lacey Leigh
August 9, 2005One weekend not so long ago I hopped on a plane and showed up, for the first time in more than eight years, at an annual conference of my business colleagues and peers. With no attempt at false modesty, I am very well known within this niche market and have traveled around the world as a highly regarded expert in the field. The organization that hosted this conference considers itself a 'Who's Who' among industry professionals.
My emergence as an open crossdresser began since the last time I had been among these folks, about a year before things started uncomplicating themselves.
For those of you not entirely familiar with the story, the short version is that an angry and spiteful individual 'outed' me, via the internet, in every chat group and blog dedicated to my professional specialty. The intention was to ruin my reputation and to embarrass me within this community.
During those eight absent years, my physical appearance has undergone a profound metamorphisis. Shoulder length, sassy blonde hair in a layered femme cut and style replaces my earlier short, grey, and conservative haircut. My formerly man-appropriate fingernails are medium length, square tipped, clear polished, and nicely manicured. The pinstriped suit is mostly history, superceded by rib-knit turtleneck sweaters in fuschia, emerald green, and taupe - worn with comfortable stretch slacks and glove-soft slip-on shoes. I have abandoned my macho facade in favor of presenting myself as a softer man.
A few didn't identify me at all; others did double takes; most smiled in recognition.
Three entertainers with similar fashion sense - I'm on your right.I was delighted to have confirmed that which I expound upon, emphasize, and occasionally get a little preachy about in my books, outreach appearances, and on this site:
Among this association of specialists the reception was the same as if there had been no scandalous revelation at all.
"Welcome back," was common.
"We've missed you," became an oft repeated salutation.
"Have you lost weight?" seemed a familiar inquiry. (Actually, yes, I had.)
"Is your wife with you this trip?" asked some.
"Good to see you - how long has it been?" quizzed a few.
There was no gathering of little cliques to scoff and point. No exclusion, no cold shoulders, no barely concealed contempt. Well, in all honesty, there was one individual who seemed to be purposely unsuccessful in hiding a smirk. He and I had never developed much of a common rapport in years past, so I was hardly surprised at his demeanor. But that was it.
In the margin above my name on the conference ID badge everyone wore I had written, "If you're curious, ASK." And they did.
The first were individuals at the Thursday night reception. And as they listened, others came over to eavesdrop. A few wandered by, discovered the conversation wasn't about the convention's main business, and drifted off. However before I knew it, I was standing at the center of perhaps 15 people, all straining to get within earshot.
After the opening night keynote (I was not a presenter at this conference), during the inevitable clustering conversations in the hotel's passageways and conversation nooks, once again those who had an interest listened as I 'held court' on what this gender stuff is really all about. In groups of two and six and ten these individuals and their wives reaffirmed their friendship and respect, eager to know what had made such an enormous difference in the way in which I regarded myself.
Friday's breakfast found folks filling the empty chairs at my table to reconnect as old chums and to shyly inquire about my new appearance and what it meant. They asked the usual questions those in a misinformed culture might have on their minds. And they were attentive to my replies.
The same thing happened at lunch that day. And at our buffet dinner that evening. Over the three day event I must have related the same information a dozen or more times - at lunch, in the hospitality suite, after the breakout sessions, and in the long walk from our Saturday evening banquet tables to the Grand Ballroom for the closing talks and festivities.
The night of the gala they asked, in all seriousness (and, perhaps, a bit of eager curiosity), "Why didn't you wear a gown for our final evening?" Not out of derision, but from a place of complete acceptance - concerned that *I* might no longer be comfortable in a coat and tie for the convention's final event. I tried to explain that I really didn't want my first year back at that conference to steal the thunder from the agenda the planners had been working on this past 50 weeks; that I was reluctant to be the inevitable center of attention when it truly wasn't my purpose.
One well meaning individual asked, "Well, how about next year?" Others echoed the sentiment, eager to illustrate their acceptance and respect.
I blinked hard a few times, not entirely successful in hiding the wetness in my eyes, and replied as steadily as I could manage, "Perhaps...."
We all have such friends, if only we would allow them to be.
Rights and Responsibilities (long)
Guest editorial by Marc MacYoung
June 10, 2004
Before you read farther, clarify in your own mind your definitions of blame and responsibility.
Our Random House Unabridged defines blame as:
1) to place the responsibility for (a fault, error, etc.) on a person. 2) to find fault with, to censure 3) US slang; to blast (used as a humorous imperative or opative. 4) to blame, at fault, censurable 5) act of attributing fault, censure or reproof. 6) responsibility for anything deserving of censure.
Whereas responsibility is defined as
1) The state or fact of being responsible. 2) an instance of being responsible 3) a particular burden or obligation on a person who is responsible. 4) something for which someone is responsible 5) reliability or dependability, esp. in meeting debts or payments 6) On one's own responsibility, on one's own initiative or authority.
Responsibility is mentioned twice in the definition of blame, but never is blame mentioned in the definition of responsibility. That should tell you something. What else is interesting is how the words censure and fault - which play such a large part in the definition of blame - are never mentioned in the definition responsibility. It is also important to notice the implication of time. Blame largely focuses on an immediate acts and events. Whereas the first definition of responsibility starts out with the words "a state." That means it is ongoing. It's not just an one time issue, it's an ongoing state of being.
But perhaps the most important difference between the two words is blame is focused on directing responsibility - and your ire - onto others. Blame does not require you to meet any consistent standards of behavior other than what YOU feel is appropriate for the situation. Whereas, responsibility does. And it requires you to consistently meet these established standards of behavior. Responsibility isn't about other people, it is about you.
However, what many people miss is the fact that responsibility is not only about self, but about empowerment. Because with responsibility comes power
So why is blame so appealing?
The blaming mindset can justify your own bad behavior.
While this may seem like an overly harsh statement, that opinion might well change when you realize that the kind of mindset that so quickly adopts blame as self-defense posture is exactly the one that will put you in front of, otherwise avoidable, danger.
It is not uncommon for people who engage in blaming behavior to also engage in selfish behavior that benefits them. And as long as they are getting benefit from it - whether monetary, emotional, comfort or entertainment - they will continue to engage in those sort of actions. However, when this kind of behavior does NOT produce the desired results, it is always someone or something else's fault.
For example a "blamer" who decides to skip work once too often will maintain that it was the fact that the boss didn't like her that resulted in her being fired. She will disavow that her regularly - and for selfish and lazy reasons - opting not to go to work had anything to do with it. Often such a person will either minimize the amount of time she was absent or try to spread culpability on others with comments like "Well everyone else did it too. I didn't do it anymore than anybody else... the only reason I got fired for it is because the boss hates me!" (Thereby returning to blame). It should also be noted that someone who regularly chooses to skip work because they "don't feel like going in" is also prone to do rather slipshod work. This is another common trait of a person who works only to her 'comfort level.' This is often the source of the animosity directed at such a person. However, she will interpret it as persecution -- totally ignoring her contribution to the situation.
People who blame others tend to overemphasize themselves and under-emphasize the negative effects of their actions. Many of their behaviors are based in self-gratification - whether overtly or subtly. Many of their actions operate around either gaining something pleasurable and/or avoiding/venting something unpleasant -- like emotions or repercussions. These people often do suffer low self-esteem their actions tend to revolve around either bolstering themselves or deflecting any negative that could threaten their self-esteem.
A good way to understand how blame works is that such people have "cause-and-effect radar" that only works one way. The only things that register are how something affect them and their feelings - which they use to justify their actions. What isn't picked up is how their behaviors or words effect others -- or how they are coming across to others.
The blaming mindset is a slippery slope. One that is difficult to self-recognize because it is self-reinforcing. In short, you don't know that you are doing it, because it seems logical and normal to you. It isn't until you step outside this frame of reference that you will notice the imbalance in the flow of cause and effect.
Where all of this becomes germane to sexual assault is that self-gratifying behavior is often synonymous with high risk behavior.
Constant crisis: Do you blame others?
Basically if things keep going wrong in your life, if you keep on finding yourself in chaotic situations, if there is always some kind of crisis going on or if things 'just keep on happening to you' -- you need to do a radar check.
This often entails asking people for an outside perspective - and then listening to them. However, the old adage of "birds of a feather, flock together" also holds true. You need to ask people outside your circle of close friends and family. The reason people are your friends is that you tend to think alike. You need to get an outside, objective opinion. It is best to ask professional counselors, but stable, successful, mature people are also a good source of information.
Unfortunately, when they do this, many people hear things that they don't want to hear - which is why they don't normally ask. Odds are what you are going to be told is NOT what you want to do. It is not going to be comfortable. It is not going to give you benediction for your actions and emotions. This however a critical perspective to have - because it shows you how other people think and how they perceive you.
And that is going to determine how people will treat you.
Even if you don't agree with what they are saying, ask yourself "what was the reasoning behind that statement?" Often other people see things that we don't see - or more importantly, don't want to see. If you ask ten people and eight of them say the same thing, then there is obviously something that you are missing.
Now while some people will steadfastly maintain that they have considered all possibilities, by definition a blindspot is not only an area you can't see, but you don't know you can't see it. When eight out of ten people tell you something is wrong, something is wrong. If you feel an incredible surge of internal resistance about what is being said or continuing with asking mature and responsible people for an outside perspective that tells you something. (If you don't know any stable and reliable people to ask, that should really tell you something).
If you encounter this resistance you must approach the issue from a different angle. The question then becomes: What would I lose if I did allow myself to see what I don't want to see?" And that is a Pandora's Box question if there ever was one.
From there on you might want to consider trained, licensed professional counseling.
Blame encourages more violence and ignorance
Furthermore, while blame may sooth the victim's savaged ego after an event, it does nothing to lend itself to understanding the dynamics that lead to it. Most importantly blaming fails to show either the victim or others, how similar attacks could be avoided in the future
In the long run it is easier to take responsibility for your actions and not to put yourself into dangerous situation or live a lifestyle where violence is systemic. While it might not be as much fun and self-gratifying as going out and partying, it hurts a whole lot less than finding yourself in a violent situation and spending the rest of your life trying to put your mind, body and spirit back together.
This section was oriented to the average person, if you have a deeper interest or are considering becoming an instructor there are many more issues to be considered
Responsibility is not blame
Unfortunately whenever you mention personal responsibility in regard to the subject of rape the immediate reaction from idealists is that you are "Blaming the victim."
Using John Bradshaw's model of a "Shame Based Personality" you quickly realize that these people don't recognize the difference between "blame" and "responsibility." They are so adamant about avoiding the crushing weight of blame and casting it elsewhere, that they throw the baby of responsibility out with the bathwater of blame. The two are significantly different.
Restressing the difference as defined at the beginning of this article, blame is mostly focused on the immediate affixing fault and censure. Whereas responsibility is more of a standard of ongoing conduct. There are several other factors that combine to support this contention.
Common sense
We have a working definition of common sense that we often use: Common sense is knowing how things work.
By knowing how things work, it is also knowing the common results of certain actions. By extension you know what acts are best for getting desired results and what acts you should not engage in order to avoid undesired results.
Unfortunately, many people, especially when they are young, when faced between the choice between commonsense and a self-gratifying decision choose the later. And they do so knowingly ignoring the repercussions. Dr. Laura Schlessinger in her book How could you do that? summed up the general type of question she is asked - which amazingly enough happens to reflect a common reaction when this selfish choice does not pan out the way the individual hoped it would
Now that I have done all these things I shouldn't have done, how can I avoid the consequences I knew, but denied, and just hoped would not happen?
The defensive cry of "I didn't know" doesn't really hold water. Drinking underage or doing drugs is illegal behavior. That is a known fact. It is also hard to believe that nobody has tried to explain the reasoning that society used to pass these laws. What is easy to believe is that the person - who has discovered that these behaviors are pleasurable - chooses NOT to understand or pursue further investigation into the reasoning and logic that came to this conclusion.
From a purely "me based" logic this is easy to do . It doesn't hurt anyone, so why shouldn't I do it? is a common example of this kind of thinking. This kind of thinking often blinds us to external circumstances outside of our control - and the very reasons why this behavior is prohibited.
Self-esteem vs. self- respect:
We consider there to be very marked difference between the two. Self-esteem is based in what you think. Self-respect is based in what you do. However, as we like to say:
Charley Manson, has great self-esteem. *
There has been great focus on self-esteem in popular psychological trends. Unfortunately, as is often the case with popular buzz words that the public grab a hold of, there is not much understanding on the issue.
The problem with self-esteem is it can be based on nothing more than your own thought pattern. The same thought pattern that robs you of feeling good about yourself. Without any external reference points, your mood controls your self-esteem.
Furthermore, the idea of building self-esteem without a solid foundation beneath it allows the individual to engage in any kind of behavior and still promote him/herself. In theory, an individual can do nothing that warrants high esteem, and even -as often is the case - actively engage in negative behavior and supposedly still hold himself in high self-esteem. This is the source of our Manson quote. It is also what is referred to as "Magical thinking." A type of thinking that goes "If I do this, this will result."
Unfortunately, this kind of optimism goes against how things work in the real world. In a nutshell, you cannot engage in negative and selfish behavior without lowering your self-esteem. Even if they bring you momentary pleasure. If you do these things, you must work twice as hard to rationalize and reinforce your high opinion of yourself. And yet, those actions will always serve as an anchor, dragging you back down. Trying to maintain high self-esteem while engaging in negative, selfish and self-destructive behavior is like trying to jump with an anchor tied to your leg. It will keep on dragging you down.
Which becomes obvious when you consider the nature of self-respect. There is a quote that we lost the source of , but that goes:
In my day we didn't have self-esteem. We had self-respect. And you only got as much of that as you could earn.
Self-respect is based on what you do. And it is an ongoing effort. It is important to realize that these actions are concrete and measure up to external standards of good behavior, accomplishment and admiration. Your mood doesn't affect them because they come from outside of you. These are the solid rock of self-respect. Once you have accomplished them - or even begin to strive for them - they become part of you.
But more important, nobody can take them away from you. If someone tries to cut you down, you can compare that person's words with what you have accomplished and the standards of behavior that you attempt to attain. The words just don't fit the facts. And that erodes their credibility, not yours.
These facts of accomplishment are not susceptible to moods. You can have a serious bout of self-doubt or a bad day and without these be plunged into a downward spiral of lowering self-esteem. However, with these foundations - if you choose to use them - you can only plunge so far. The whispering voices of doubt are proven wrong by the solid proven track record of behavior.
The only person who can take self-respect away from you is you. This however involves a sustained effort by your "critical voices" to undermine and erode these accomplishments. Or continuing willful and intentional acts on your part to engage in negative and selfish behavior.
The freedom of responsibility
When you understand the natures of power and responsibility you discover a paradox. Responsibility is not a lessening of freedom, but rather a gaining of it. No, you cannot engage in whatever selfish whim that enters your head. Yes, you will lose a great many short term and immediate pleasures, but such behaviors are often dead end behaviors in the long run anyway.
What you will discover that people will trust you more. And with that earned trust, comes freedoms that you cannot imagine. Freedoms that don't lead to dead ends or trouble, but rather to long term pleasure and gain. You will become able to do things that are now closed to you. You will be granted Privileges that if you attempt to take them now, you will be censured.
The cost of this freedom is responsibly. And if you refuse to pay this expense, you will never have the trust, power, Privileges, and freedom that comes with it.
Rights vs. Privileges
As many people don't know the difference between blame and responsibility, the difference between rights and Privileges is often confused. A right is granted by society to its member in order for it to function, a privilege is granted by a group or individual as either a reward for, or conditional upon, good behavior.
Many people go on about their "rights" with no idea of what it means.
Misunderstanding often arises from a person's interpretation of a privilege that she want to be a right. Last time we checked a woman's right to walk naked into a biker bar and NOT be molested was not covered in the Bill of Rights. Neither is a woman's right to party until she passes out in a frat house room and then not expect to be sexually assaulted. These are not rights...nor are they likely to happen.
Integral to rights are the issues of responsibility and duty. For example, as an American citizen it is your responsibility to pay taxes. It is also the duty of young males, if drafted, to serve their country in the military. These are just a few of the responsibilities and duties you exchange for your rights.
More specifically, you have the right to free speech, but you have the responsibility not to "yell fire in a crowded theater." . Your right to free speech is a cornerstone of the democratic process, and that is why it is granted. You do not however have the right to say anything you want - that is a misinterpretation of a right. Your freedom of speech stops when it becomes libel, slander, induces/encourages others to engage in illegal activities or, in many states, "fighting words" (These are things that you cannot say to another person and not expect them to become violent.)
In short, your right to swing your arm stops where the other person's nose begins. Because that person has just as many rights as you do.
Rights can be revoked, but only through due process of law. If you violate the laws of society you will risk your freedom being taken away -- your liberty will be curtailed. If you are convicted of a felony, your right to vote will be revoked. But all of these require the judicial system and due process, one person cannot decide to permanently revoke your rights. But in the same vein, you cannot just arbitrarily decide what is and is not your right.
Privileges are not rights.
Like power , Privileges can be revoked. As stated, Privileges are granted either as a reward or conditionally. In more formal circumstances, due process is also applied. Recently it was upheld by the Supreme Court that driving an automobile was not a right, but a privilege. States can take away a person's privilege to drive if that person doesn't conform to that State's safety code and conduct.
However in less formal conditions, the person or group who grants you the privilege can also revoke said, and without due process.
Privileges are often granted because the person giving them has decided that your behavior is beneficial to him/her. Or because the person has taken upon the duty of helping you (e.g. a parent raising and readying you for existence in this society). Now while parents are legally obligated to supply support, past a very basic standard, you quickly get into privilege territory.
Unfortunately, many young people do not understand the difference between a right and a privilege. Nor do they understand the economic nature of privilege. In any context outside your family, Privileges are earned. And yet many people assume that Privileges are, in fact, rights. Not so.
We often encounter young people who are outraged at the "unfairness" that someone gets to do something that they are not allowed. For example a good worker asks for and is granted a day off without contest, whereas when someone else asks for the same, it is refused. On the surface this would seem at the very least, a double standard, and at the worst, favoritism.
What is often overlooked is the consistent high standard of work the good employee provides. This high caliber of performance makes it in the boss's best interest to accommodate that person in any way possible. This is how a person earns Privileges. Such a person will be granted liberties that are not allowed to other, less reliable people.
On the surface this seems unfair. It is not until you recognize the "economy of service" that you will begin to understand the wider picture - and how Western business works. People who do not recognize this is how it works will be unlikely ever be promoted beyond the most menial levels in the corporate and business world.
Why is this important
The reason for this particularly dry article is to acquaint you with the idea that many things that we take for granted are not rights, but are in fact, Privileges. And sometimes, not even that. The term that describes much high-risk behavior is "taking liberties" if not out-and-out "illegal acts." And just because you don't think it hurts anybody doesn't mean it isn't a criminal act.
Furthermore, it is when we automatically assume that we have these "rights" without the burden of responsibility - and responsibility is defined by others and society, not just by our own personal standards - that we get into trouble.
An example of how far this thinking can go, in the late 90's university students in Boulder, Colorado actually rioted when police cracked down on underage drinking. Hundreds, if not thousands of students rioted for their "right to party." Not once, but several times...and in different years! Collectively, nearly a million dollars worth of damage was caused and police were attacked by hurled objects, stores were looted and large fires were set. 60 police officers were injured.
It is interesting to note however, the complete outrage these students felt when the Boulder police commented that they would have been within their right to open fire on them - especially when they were throwing rocks, bricks and bottles at the police. Not only were these people rioting because they felt they were being persecuted when the police department cracked down on their illegal activities (drinking underage, public intoxication, drugs, fights and DUIs), but after committing extensive property damage and wounding many police officers, they became incensed to discover that the Boulder police would have been justified in shooting them for their actions. As it was they already blamed the police for the riots anyway.
This was the behavior they felt was their "right" to engage in. What they didn't realize is that in doing so they were putting themselves in very real danger. They were relying on the self-control of the law enforcement officers not to open fire.
If you believe it is your right to go out and party, to go out and say or do anything that you want, to treat people however you want or to engage in illegal activities - whether from minor indulgence to reckless abandonment - then you are putting yourself at risk.
Because by stepping outside the social parameters of acceptable conduct, refusing to accept the working definitions of rights and Privileges, you are in fact, stepping outside of the rules. Once there, all those rules you unconsciously rely on to keep you safe are in question. They may or may not still apply. You are in essence, hoping that you won't meet anyone who is willing to go to greater extremes and is more selfish in getting what he wants than you are.
And that is like betting the tiger you are riding won't get hungry.
One of the more common threads of conversation among crossdressers (CDs) centers around a quest for the reason behind crossdressing.
Some speculate about hard science; prenatal "hormone wash" theories, hippocampus or corpus callosum brain structure, and XY-XXY-XX alphabet soup genetics. Others embrace soft science; childhood environmental factors, absent fathers, and withheld affection as the root cause. One individual has even suggested a nutritional precursor, citing infant consumption of cheddar cheese!
As amateur psychiatrists, geneticists, and behaviorists, CDs argue their pet theories with a certain emotional investment. They are seeking an explanation, a reason, or a cause for that which has so negatively impacted their lives. Some pursue a sort of cultural forgiveness; a way of proclaiming, "Don't blame me, it's not my fault. I was born (shaped, influenced) to be this way. I'm a victim! I'm ashamed of what I am but I'm helpless to change."
These folks aren't looking for an answer; they're seeking absolution. Plus, copping a plea to some warm, comfy, and loosely defined "disorder" only serves to further reinforce the notion that we belong in a box of granola - with all the other fruits, nuts, and flakes.
Honest introspection is always a good thing. However, staking one's happiness on stumbling into crossdressing's Prime Directive is a fatally flawed premise.
Think about this: If everyone related to crossdressing in the same manner we regard left-handedness (ie: different but no big deal - unless you can put a 98 m.p.h. fast ball over the inside corner of the plate, about knee high) we wouldn't even begin to agonize over all of this.
The roots of our problems are not biological, psychological, nutritional, or behavioral. They are cultural. Period.
Although I'm reluctant to dignify these negative cultural attitudes with a term, the one that fits best is "transphobia" (an irrational fear of transgendered people). Transphobia is, literally, a social disease; a malady of the culture. Until our culture evolves, we can excuse, justify, or self-diagnose until there's ice on the river Styx and it won't make a whit of difference. The malady lingers on...
Some activists favor a political attack: "We'll agitate & demonstrate, lobby & march, and huff & puff until we blow down the walls of prejudice. We'll badger legislatures, picket city councils, and pester county boards into passing more laws to make culture accept us!"
Yeah, that'll work.
The problem with any sort of attack is that quite often those who are targeted will reflexively respond with a defense. And who can fault those among the public for resisting, especially when something they yet don't understand "... is being shoved down their throats."?
While I admire the dedication, sacrifice, and vision of those who use politics to advance a transgender agenda, extrapolating their slow and painful progress thus far projects out to full transgender emancipation ... somewhere in the year 2073, give or take a decade or two.
One high-profile transgender lobbyist shared her frustration with me during a chat at last year's Southern Comfort Conference. "We just don't have the numbers yet," she confessed. "The transsexuals - a tiny percentage of the transgender population - get their surgery and dive 'into the woodwork' to disappear from sight, while the crossdressers - the largest and least outspoken group of TGs - won't come out of their closets!"
Setting aside the possibility that most crossdressers may not even consider themselves as transgendered, I suggested to her then and to you now, perhaps we are looking into the wrong end of the telescope.
Cultural change of the sort we're after is rarely a 'top down' process. It's almost always a grass-roots evolution growing from the bottom, up. Rather than waste breath on those hardened walls of social resistance (unresponsive bureaucracies, indifferent legislatures, and butt-covering-finger-in-the-wind politicians) perhaps we might consider another, parallel approach. One that offers enormous potential to accelerate that change.
In order to modify cultural attitudes, it is helpful to be visible within that culture. As long as we allow the public's first impressions to be made by drag movies, slasher flicks, and drive-by observations outside fetish clubs, we have no right to expect the culture to react any differently than now.
One great way to demonstrate to the public at large that crossdressers, transsexuals, and TGs are harmless is by providing more opportunities for the average citizen to interact with harmless open crossdressers, open transsexuals, and open TGs.
Show the public some confident, proud, and self accepting TGs who don't perpetuate the stereotype by whining about dysphoria and I'll show you a public that is beginning to understand.
Give the average citizen a few moments of conversation with a confident, poised TG who doesn't extend the cliché of man-as-bimbo-in-miniskirt and I'll give you another citizen who is beginning to 'get it'.
Such an approach first requires an act of faith on our part. We must be prepared to eschew the comfortable, easy, cop-out, dismissive, excusing, deflecting, and justifying theories, explanations, and diagnoses (that carry with them the corollary expectation of a 'cure' - or worse, the pronouncement of 'incurable'!).
We will be better served by refusing to concede that anything is 'wrong' in the first place! Of course that means unburdening ourselves of the accumulated shame, guilt, angst, and denial that our culture has so generously inculcated within us.
This purge not just desirable, it's critical.
Most individuals will be much more comfortable around an open crossdresser or a non-stealth transsexual who is pleasant, self assured, and levelheaded rather than one who appears to be justifying culturally shameful behavior with pseudoscience and psychobabble.
The simple truth is that others take their cues not so much from what we say but from the manner in which we are seen to regard ourselves. People will mirror our attitudes - whatever they may be. So it's in our best interest to settle our own internal conflicts first.
It's difficult to imagine how we can expect acceptance from others when we haven't yet found it within ourselves. And just in case you're from the "Fake it 'till you make it" school of thought, self acceptance can't be pretended - so don't bother. Inner esteem is built through multiple small successes over time. True self confidence starts to develop as we begin eradicating the residual, internal belief that there is anything in transgender expression about which we should be ashamed. It is helped along by refusing to consider convenient disempowering diagnoses or tempting theories that, if embraced, excuse us as helpless to change, compensate, or adjust.
Both change and charity begin at home.
The change we wish to see?
We must be the change we wish to see.
This is Why...
As published in The Femme Mirror
Spring, 2004
When we are out and about, engaging strangers with our personal and cheerful outreach, one of the first questions is always, "Why do you crossdress?"
Usually our answer is something vague such as, "It feels right..." or "Because I must...". Occasionally, we might confess, "I have no idea."
Probably because our need for feminine expression is so deeply ingrained, we're never thought about it - and have only reacted to it. Additionally, due to our culture's insistence that crossdressing is sinful, abominable, and perverted, we are reluctant to explore further out of fear that we might discover an ugly reality.
Fear not. By the time we get around to joining Tri-Ess, we definitely know what crossdressing is not. It's not about sexuality; it's not about thrill seeking; and it's not about invading or disrespecting women's privacy or prerogatives.
Still, it would be helpful to offer some explanation which resonates with those who are trying to be tolerant and respectful. Here's how I have learned to describe - and to some degree, explain - crossdressing to others...
Crossdressing is a personal reaction to a cultural expectation. Every person is born with a wide assortment of personality attributes. Our culture defines some of these aspects of personality as masculine or 'manly' while others are regarded as feminine or 'womanly'. In fact, they are simply 'human'.
These artificial divisions naturally develop because of an understandable desire to categorize and define things. Labels and generalities are a form of subconscious shorthand which, in most cases, serve us well. The problem with such assumptions is once they are 'set in stone' they are very difficult to overcome and seldom allow for exceptions.
It is the nature of humans to exhibit, express, and develop all of their strengths, skills, and aspects of personality. Mostly, we grow through social interaction - a sort of personal trial-and-error process in which we immerse ourselves in our culture, make mistakes and learn from them, and polish our personalities in the rough-and-tumble mainstream rather like rocks worn smooth in a stream bed. Males exhibiting 'manly' attributes are rewarded and praised. Likewise, females who demonstrate and express 'womanly' characteristics receive positive feedback and reinforcement. Over time these aspects are nurtured and pruned so that they may fully blossom, as is their purpose.
Conversely, when a male attempts to express traits which our culture defines as 'feminine', he receives negative feedback, disapproval, and a heaping serving of guilt and shame. Simply put, society has been taught that these attributes are inappropriate in males and will not reinforce 'feminine' facets in someone who presents as 'man'.
And yet these inborn (some would say "God given") facets of personality eventually assert themselves and require expression and social interaction in order to flourish - with the eventual goal of integrating themselves into our one complete personality. Thus, if our culture won't provide the feedback we need if they see us as men, we can get some of it by externally presenting as women. We are visually saying to the world, "I prefer you would treat me as 'woman' in order that I might experience, develop, and grow my feminine aspects."
All members of our culture are so entirely programmed by social expectations that even the most hardened critic, after the first wide-eyed reaction, can't help himself from responding in some degree to the visual message of 'woman'. That's one reason why we, as crossdressers, often find a friend in the mirror. We share the identical cultural programming and the reflection that greets us is a visual validation of our feminine aspects of personality.
An essential and critical part of our growth and self development is going out and about as open crossdressers. 'Passing' is mostly an attempt to avoid disapproval and allows for no expression of tolerance or understanding on the part of 'civilians' (because if we 'pass', they don't know we're there). Passing also reinforces the notion, both to others and to ourselves, that we are ashamed of our feminine facets rather than fully accepting of them. Conversely, looking our feminine finest while never denying that we are male (but not being 'in your face' about it either) is the best route to our long term well being, self acceptance, and successful integration of our whole personality.
Why do I crossdress? Because it is the only way our culture will allow me to express, validate, develop, and enjoy every single facet of my essence. I am not two people struggling for control of one body but one person who understands that is not only possible but ultimately healthy to possess aspects of both 'man' and 'woman'. Biology teaches that every living thing on this planet must either grow or die.
I choose growth.
Flight or Fright
As published in Girl Talk
Autumn, 2002
One of the plateaus on the way to a crossdressing freedom is the airplane trip. The suggestion triggers our worst fears - broad daylight, lots of people, government issued ID cards, luggage searches, frustrated cop-wanna-be minimum wage security' guards, personal pat-downs, and an environment which takes humorous remarks far too seriously.
Perfect! Taking a commercial round trip airplane flight is the best sort of total immersion, fear-facing strategy possible. As I wrote in Out & About, it would be difficult to find a more hospitable environment because airline and security personnel are certain to have had gender sensitivity training and an airport is a secure, weapons-free environment.
Fellow travelers are so focused on gates, connections, carry-on baggage, and myriad other details that they hardly notice anyone else at all (except to elbow past them during the rush to the luggage carousel). In addition, there is some fun shopping to be done in many airports now that merchants (other than fast food kiosks) have reduced their prices to a more realistic level.
When I travel en femme, I'm always burdened with more baggage than most - after all, I'm packing two wardrobes. As a result, I prefer curbside check-in when it's available. The lines are shorter and the skycaps are more motivated toward moving luggage and earning tips than is the case at the ticket counter. They'll still check ID, and itinerary, asking the same silly questions (Did you pack your bag yourself? - No, I had the butler do it, doesn't everyone?) but the process is on the fast track. If you're seen holding a spread of bills, advertising your intended generosity, the flow is even more efficient.
I never tip less than two dollars a bag - usually five bucks for a pair of them - for anyone who helps with my luggage. If the taxi or car rental agency van driver hefts the bags into the vehicle when he picks me up and places them up on the curb when arriving at the airport, his gratuity will be in the same range. Behavior, which is rewarded, will be repeated.
When I'm asked for ID., I hand it over, remove my sunglasses, look the attendant in the eyes, and smile. Sometimes it takes them a second to see the resemblance, if they bother to look at the photo at all. Most just compare the name on the ID to the one on the ticket.
Only once, in all my airport comings and goings, has anyone balked. It was during the final ID check at the boarding gate when a female airline employee said, "Ma'am, this isn't your ID."
"Um, yes, it is," I assured softly.
She stood firm. "No, this is a man's passport." I use my passport even when traveling domestically. it carries a Federal imprimatur and the assumption that the bearer is headed for more distant destinations, on more important business.
Moving my voice down into my chest for additional resonance, I replied, "That's because I am a man. I'm just wearing my hair differently. Look again and compare features carefully."
She did, then flushed a bit (embarrassed at not having made the connection earlier), validated my boarding pass, returned my passport, and said, "Enjoy your flight."
All the law requires is that you identify yourself. Period. Just don't hand an official one of those dual-photo Crossdresser ID cards which seem to be the rage these days. Only government issued ID is valid.
Even at the dreaded security portal and baggage x-ray stations, you are unlikely to be hassled about your gender presentation. Especially after the highly publicized furor regarding inappropriate touching arising from women who were subjected to secondary wand and pat-down frisks by male personnel.
Every time I've been put through the routine a female from the security staff has been assigned to the task. if in the future a male should draw the short straw, my plan is already in place: "I've no objection to you performing your duties, however every other passenger walking by will see a male officer doing a physical search on a woman. Given all the negative publicity y'all have received recently, doesn't it make more sense to have a female colleague take it from here?" I'm certain they'll agree.
(It eventually happened - six months later.)Finally, there's the annoying random security search at the boarding gate. The same rules apply as at the main security portals except that they always open and hand search your carry-on luggage. I'm clearly a crossdresser, so finding an extra pair of pantyhose in my purse or copies of my book in my shoulder bag will provide no surprise. They'll carefully paw through the contents, find nothing to excite them, and send you on your way
Have a nice flight.
Recently I was in an online discussion with a deeply closeted individual. After I mentioned that we must deal with our socially imposed guilt and shame before we can experience true personal growth, she suggested “Let's tune down talk about shame and guilt and reinforce the good we do ourselves by being what we are.”
In other words, let’s deny that there is a problem and find a way to justify our continued self-incarceration.
I’ll be willing to stop talking about guilt and shame after someone waves a magic wand to eliminate them from the psyche of every crossdresser.
The fact is that those two destructive emotions are at the root of almost all of the personal agony crossdressers face. Shame is the hammer others use to beat us into submission; guilt is the anvil upon which we are pummeled.
Once these negative and corrosive counterinstructions are inculcated deep within our subconsciouses, the rest of society needs do nothing but sit back and watch as we continue to repress ourselves.
We loudly deny any such implanted negativity, making excuses such as, "...life is much simpler..." when we march to the orders of those inner censors and "...it’s better that we not challenge their preconceptions..." as if we have an obligation to bow before bigoted attitudes and behavior.
That’s not a rationalization - it's a surrender; a complete capitulation so profound that we have become our own prison guards. I can respect someone who honestly says, "I'm afraid of the consequences and of others' potential reactions...". It’s difficult to generate an iota of respect for the faux nobility of "I don't want to challenge their preconceptions."
We reasonably oppose other peoples' errant thinking all the time, whether it's telling them the world isn't flat, that women are due equal status in our society, or that crossdressing is a natural aspect of personality which must no longer be regarded as abhorrent or perverted.
Here’s a surprising personal truth: Until I became fully self-actualized as a crossdresser, accepting and embracing every facet of my personality and no longer allowing the attitudes of the (largely imaginary) bigoted public to poison my psyche, I never realized how much energy was absolutely wasted in maintaining that façade.
I never understood the degree to which trying to keep my secret from getting out was weighing me down.
I never comprehended the amount of personal potential that was misdirected in an effort to deal with the self-hate and self-pity that inevitably resulted.
Crushed beneath the massive accumulation of guilt, shame, and denial, any personal movement or growth was difficult if not almost impossible.
What I discovered was that by refocusing all that previously squandered capacity for growth and development, suddenly I am much more productive in every area of my life. An unimaginable burden has been lifted from my shoulders and I can stand tall and free, seeing for the first time myriad potentials and possibilities which previously were below my personal horizon.
It's been a part of our folklore that horses return to the dubious comfort of a burning barn rather than face their fears in an uncertain world outside. It's a fact that many victims of disasters at sea were those who cowered within the phantom refuge of solid bulkheads and steel decks headed for the ocean bottom rather than face the challenge of surviving in the sea.
Perhaps some crossdressers are so quiveringly afraid of what others might think that they become paralyzed into compliance and inaction. One could even make the logical case that they have every right to remain so completely self-imprisoned
But please, don't expect me to applaud, reinforce, or co-enable such self-pitying claptrap.
Mind you, I am not advocating that every crossdresser shout to the world, “I am a crossdresser”. The decision on whether or how much to come out is a personal one. However I do believe that such a choice is better made based on fact, not fear.
In other words, all crossdressers have the prerogative to live life as closeted as they choose. Equally, I have not only the right but also the obligation to encourage others who still have a chance at a fully empowered life to consider a healthier and happier alternative.
Veni, Vidi, Vestibule
Spring, 2003
Attending a major gender convention, such as the recently concluded Southern Comfort Conference, can be an empowering experience indeed. For three or four magical days, the normally closeted transgendered individual finds caring company, strength in numbers, and abundant opportunities for open and joyous expression of gender.
Some never leave the refuge of the conference hotel, preferring to enjoy the comfort and support of peers while taking in the myriad discussions, seminars, and workshops. Those who are a touch more adventurous sally forth with like minded friends to savor the exhilarating experience of public social interaction. They learn to mingle among the unenlightened public and are often surprised at the absence of the dreaded disfavor so often imagined. They utilize municipal transportation, engage in conversations with non-TGs at coffee shops and nail salons, and perform personal outreach at delicatessens and Kinko's copy shops.
Perhaps of greatest impact is the lesson learned is that the 'gender police' aren't summoned, klaxons don't blare a transgender alert warning, and that people - for the most part - are indifferent to our colorful fringe at the edge of societies quilt.
Conference attendees are delighted to learn that their worst and most self-limiting fears are groundless and, when provided a positive example, John Q and Jane Q Public can express a great deal of tolerance (and often, curiosity). It is in these situations where we make the greatest difference - not for ourselves, although it can be said that we teach that which we need most to learn - but for that public at large.
Given the anonymity of distance and venue, TGs feel suddenly empowered to become roving ambassadors, taking those first few tenuous steps out of their self-constructed closets to savor the entirely new set of social interactions which their openly expressed gender allows.
Freedom is such a heady brew, even though the glass from which we drink it is much too small.
Sunday morning comes all too soon. Attendees burdened with roll-on luggage once again bulging with alter ego accouterment queue up in the hotel lobby's checkout line while sideliners with later departure times play the guess who game. Heartfelt hugs and "See you next year..." promises are exchanged as shuttle vans are boarded and taxicabs whisk their passengers on their way to distant destinations.
I feel an overwhelming sense of melancholy on those mornings. It is not a sadness that the moments shared have come to an end, because each is indelibly etched in memory to be relived forever. Instead I am mournful because so many of these wonderful, colorful, expressive, loving, and forgiving people are returning to what they perceive are unaccepting, uncaring, and uncomfortable environments. Rather than taking all those priceless and recently reinforced lessons with them to teach anew in their own hometowns, they excuse their inaction with justifications. "I have too much to lose" or "Atlanta is a big, metropolitan city - my town isn't ready yet" or "People back home just don't get it."
If not now, when? If not you, who?
Veni, vidi, vestibule.I came, I saw, I went back into the closet.
Entering the Salon
July, 2001
My first salon visit for color, highlights, and style wasn't entirely voluntary.
It came thanks to a glance in the mirror one day which revealed the grey patches advancing across my auburn hairline faster than Grant racing to Richmond. At my dear wife's suggestion, I took matters into my own hands and decided to address the problem with a short-term, home applied rinse intended to take away "only the grey". Rather than commit to a more permanent treatment, I chose a rinse which, boasted the package instructions, would wash out within “six to eight” shampoos - just in case I didn't like the result. The photo on the box promised of a rich, dark auburn with glowing copper highlights.
But then I also believed in bug-free software, that the check was in the mail, and "He's great with strangers and never bites."
On my hair the expected auburn turned out to be more of a flamingo pink. No problem, just shampoo it away and start over. Unfortunately, the color survived at least a dozen runs under the shower head with Vidal Sasoon’s best shampoo after which I still looked like a shag rug following a Pepto Bismol food fight.
After making a desperate scan through the Yellow Pages, I organized an emergency appointment at a trendy salon whose advertisement boasted, “We specialize in corrective color”. A 20 minute consultation with stylist and colorist led to one attendant providing me with a smock and a stack of magazines while the colorist went to "formulate" the color stuff.
While the he went about his business, my escorting "shampoo specialist" led me to a reclining chair adjacent a sink for the obligatory, preperatory scrub & rub. It's not quite as comfortable a process as one might imagine. Those little U-shaped depressions in the sink wall (the ones which are designed to support the customer's neck and to prevent drips and runs down one's back) probably function quite well when the client's neck is small enough to actually fit the cutout area. In my case, even the towel wrapped around my neck failed to prevent that strange feeling between my shoulder blades when it begins to get moist back there. And warm. And warmer. And HOT! "Hey," I asked of the girl, "is heat sterilization part of the technique or do scalp blisters actually aid in getting a nice style?" Apparently they don't hire shampoo attendants for their comprehension of subtle irony. Or of English, for that matter. Only when I said in my pidgin Tex-Mex, "No mas, no mas. Es mucho grande calor!" did she get the idea. At which point she cut the 'hot' flow completely and my scalp joined the Polar Bear Club. Now I know how a boiled egg feels.
She made amends, however, with a rinse and scalp massage which was soft, sensuous, and all too short for my liking. It might have been longer but we were being summoned to the color application chair - the ingredients had been formulated. Like an old-time pharmacist (or, now that I think of it, alchemist) the colorist actually combined and blended pigments plus all the other necessary ingredients right there in his laboratory in the rear of the salon. The only apparatus missing was one of those buzzy-sparky things prominent in grade B horror films because when he emerged with the mixture he was wearing goggles, a vinyl apron, and holding the container of vile smelling brew in hands wearing elbow length, industrial strength, black rubber gloves! Workers were less protected at the Cherynobl cleanup!
Once my hair was toweled near-dry, the attendant (who, surprisingly, failed to wear a lead apron) took a 2-inch disposable paintbrush and began layering the gunk onto my wet tresses. Instantly, my scalp felt as if it had been inserted in a roaring campfire. "Is it supposed to hurt?", I asked. "Oh, it might tingle just a little." was the reply. Tingle indeed! Before she had completed the application, I was willing sign a confession for multiple crimes against humanity. Pain is not my friend.
Adding injury to insult, the next step was to position my head under a clear plastic dome while live steam circulated within it. This process, apparently having it's roots in the Spanish Inquisition, helps the color impregnate itself into the hair. I learned that one must sit rigidly still under that cooker because the least movement brings one's forehead into contact with the metal tubing which conducts the steam into the helmet. More pain. Is this what women mean when they say you have to suffer to be beautiful?
Once the steam cooker was done, the attendant returned and escorted me once again to the sink for a shampoo, then back to the styling chair for highlights. It turned out to be a complicated and time-consuming process. Using the pointed tail of a comb, the beautician would separate a thin band of hair strands about an inch wide from the surrounding hair. Then a square of aluminum foil was laid down beneath the separated locks and another mysterious, foul smelling compound was brushed onto those selected hairs, after which the foil was folded over, trapping the hair and gunk inside. Repeat about forty times to make sure the highlights were evenly distributed throughout my coiffure-to-be, and I looked like an explosion in a gum wrapper factory. There was so much sundry metal wrapped around my cranium I could swear I was picking up Radio Moscow! This was followed by a scalpsteaming under Torquemada's Tenderizer for another 20 minutes.
Finally, the timer buzzed - which resulted in a trip to the neck-breaking sink for my third shampoo and rinse treatment of the day, after which the colorist was asked to come over to inspect the result. I could tell from the raised eyebrow, the painful look on his face, and the little "tsk, tsk" sounds he made with his mouth that things weren't going well. "It's almost perfect," he lisped. Yeah? So why won't they let me have a mirror? "You'll love it," he purred soothingly, "It just needs a little finishing touch to bring out the natural verve in your beautiful tresses." What a schmoozer. Then he suggested, "A strawberry glaze."
Great, now I'm gonna get smeared with something from the dessert menu. The glaze stuff actually was (aside from the scalp massage during the shampoos) the most pleasant of the experiences. Very silky and soothing; my scalp liked it. Very aromatic; my nose liked it. Very tasty; at least two flies which had made their way into the salon loved it. For fifteen minutes they made passes at my noggin like Naval aviators practicing touch-and-goes on the U.S.S. Enterprise.
Once again a quick rinse and towel dry and now the final step - the blow dry and styling. Because this was not only my first salon adventure but also my first attempt to do anything with my hair besides sweep it into a ponytail, I asked the stylist to explain in detail what she was doing each step of the way and why it was important, so I could repeat the process on my own. She did a fabulous job with the style but I doubt she'll ever be a candidate for a beauty academy faculty position. "You hold the brush like this," she would instruct (while working at the nape of my neck where no possible combination of mirrors afforded a decent view), "...because if you don't, the style won't come out right." Oh, now I understand.
At the end of a half-day in one of the most intriguing bastions of female prerogative in the known Universe, I emerged somewhat less encumbered with cash, too. Tip the stylist, tip the colorist, tip the shampoo girl, tip the towel girl - the place had more hands out than a Clinton fund-raiser. I now owned a bagful of "must have" products - shampoo, conditioner, gloss, mousse, brushes - which had been priced at a markup which would make Neiman-Marcus blush. Best of all, I had a brand new, first-in-a-lifetime, why-didn't-I-get-it-sooner, honest-to-goodness, my-own-hair-in-a-flattering-style coiffure and I finally understood why women endure this madness.
I felt on top of the world.
Now, when can I go back?
TG Tongue Fu
December, 2002
My main technique for getting what I want is to remind the other person (salesclerk, security screener, store manager, etc.) how it is in his or her best interest to comply with my request. It's an extension of the win-win policy.
For example, when travelling en femme through airports, I almost always get the dreaded portal buzz which qualifies me for a more thorough and personal inspection with the 'wand' and/or a pat-down. Naturally, I'd prefer this be done by a female. In the one case where a man was about to perform the task, I smiled my best and said, "It makes no difference to me, but consider what the rest of the public passing by will see - a male security agent physically inspecting someone whom most others will consider a woman. Given all the recent adverse publicity about inappropriate touching, don't you think there would be less potential for complaint if you asked your female colleague to handle this?"He agreed.
In another case, I was browsing a department store and found my favorite underwear packaged with the manufacturer's "Buy Two, Get One Free" promotion. In addition, the store was having a 25% off sale that day. When the clerk rang my purchase, the store's 25% discount was not applied. Upon inquiry, the clerk said that I was given the larger of the two discounts (the 3 for 2 offer being essentially a 33% discount). I insisted that the store's advertised sale be honored as well. The clerk was unyielding so I suggested, "I understand you have been instructed to proceed as you did, so let's kick it upstairs for the store manager to handle. That's why he gets paid the big bucks! Such a non-threatening request (as opposed to "I demand to see the manager!") is almost always honored.
The store's assistant manager came to the department to inform me that the manager was "out of the store", so she would he happy to deny my request. I stood firmly on my contention that the same "3 for the price of 2" offer was vendor packaging and available at any store that carried the same line, therefore the store should apply their 25% off sale price as well. She wouldn't budge."I'll wait to see the manager," I smiled.
"He will be gone for at least an hour" was the reply.
"I'll wait."
I patientIy browsed the department I noticed the assistant manager remained nearby, keeping an eye on me. After a few minutes minutes I went over to her and said, 'I have no idea what your payscale scale is, but if you wait here with me for the hour it takes your boss to return, that will amount to a far larger sum than the discount you are denying me. Do you think when the store manager returns, he will say you've invested your time wisely?"After thinking for a moment she went to the cash register, inserted her key, and authorized my discount.
Unless you are a 5-figure customer, the old 'power' arguments ("Do you know how much I spend here?") just don't have as much impact as they once did. However, the softer (but still firm) approach works very nicely. It's human nature to dig in the heels and turn stubborn when feeling cornered or manipulated. The key is to always provide the other person a face-saving excuse to opt for the desired decision.When you can illustrate that it serves the other person's best interest to give you what you want, you'll probably get it.
